Not knowing whether to stay in a relationship or leave feels like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, you know that you're not quite satisfied with what is, so you don't feel like staying, yet the idea of leaving and losing that person you care for seems too way too hard, especially if you still have strong feelings for this person. I've worked with many individuals and couples and have seen people work through all kinds of issues. However, there are certain characteristics that make it clear to me that the best course of action would be to just move on:
1 | Your partner is not interested in growth
If you are interested in self-growth, self-help, reading, learning, seeking guidance and making yourself a generally better person and your partner isn't like that, it might be time to move on. When one member of a couple is constantly evolving and bettering themselves and the other is remaining stagnant, that is a recipe for an unbalanced relationship. It will be challenging to see eye to eye, and this discrepancy will only continue to expand as you develop further.
2 | Your partner is unwilling to talk about their feelings
As uncomfortable as it can be to talk about our emotions, it is absolutely necessary for a relationship to thrive. If your partner is unwilling to explore emotional territory, this doesn't bode well for the relationship. We need to be able to be vulnerable enough to share our emotional experience with our partner and we need that back from them too in order to feel deeply connected to that person. If your partner has difficulty with this, but is working on it, great! However, if your partner doesn't see the value in expressing emotion or refuses to grow in this area, it might be time to walk away.
3 | You don't trust your partner
It's normal to have trust issues! Many people carry around the weight of previous betrayals if they haven't adequately processed through the hurt and consciously let go of those experiences. Lingering trust issues can inadvertently create tension within your relationship -- manifesting as jealousy, controlling behavior, doubting your partner's motives, etc. If you're willing to take responsibility for your inability to trust and work on it, that's wonderful. But if your partner has acted (or continues to act) in ways that reasonably diminish your trust in them and that despite your best efforts you still don't trust them, then it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.
4 | You feel worse around your partner
Intimate relationships are satisfying and fulfilling when spending time with and talking over the phone to our partner uplifts our mood and inspires us. This may seem obvious, but when with your partner, for the most part, you should feel better, not worse! If your partner is constantly complaining and focusing on the negative, then start to ask yourself, "what is this person contributing to my life?" If someone is bringing in more negativity than positivity, it might be time to consider a break-up.
5 | Your partner is abusive
Don't skip over this step! You might be thinking "oh no, that can't apply to me." But I was in an abusive relationship for almost 5 years without knowing it was abuse. Please read my Intimate Partner Violence Series for more information on this.
I hope this article is helpful to you in exploring more deeply what you believe is best for you. As a therapist I never tell my clients what to do in a given situation. Instead, I educate them as much as I can and I help them connect to their own desires and intuition so they can make a decision from a place of clarity and authenticity. I wish you the best of luck! Leave a comment below if you have any questions or thoughts about this topic. I'd love to hear from you.
about the author
Hi! I'm Natalie. And I'm passionate about helping people create healthy relationships in their lives. Through couples counseling in Pasadena and here on the blog, it's my mission to help foster stronger connections, healthy communication and life-long love.