6 Strategies to Show Your Partner Appreciation

Have you ever had moments in your relationship where you feel sort of under-appreciated? Maybe there have been times when you’ve been on the other side of it and have not been paying as much attention to your significant other as you should. If either of those scenarios sound familiar, read on. Here are 6 easy ways to show your partner they are not forgotten and you care about them:

 
 

1 | Surprise them with food

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Food is great. When it’s nice, toasty, and prepped for your convenience, it’s that much more wonderful. Cooking a meal or simply having some warm food ready for your loved one (for those of us who’d rather endure the cashier’s stand than the kitchen) is always a pleasant surprise. Also, it will show how considerate of a partner you are. And who wouldn’t want that label?

2 | Buy a favorite item

Similar to the meal, this shows deliberate attention to a loved one’s likes. For me, if gum is gifted, I’m in a great mood for the rest of the day. You can never have enough packs! Well, maybe you can. But I certainly CANNOT! What is something your significant other always likes to have? Do they have it right now? No? Well go get them some and see if it puts a smile on his/her/their face.

3 | Massage them

After a long day, everyone likes to lie down and have some rest. Maybe the kids were being unruly or the boss was not copacetic and your significant other has a little more on their mind today. Scratching or massaging their back/neck/head can provide sensory feedback and relieve some tension. It costs nothing but could make a huge difference for your companion’s spirits. Plus, the physicality could lead to something a little more intimate. ;)

4 | Clean something

This may not seem like the most romantic gesture you could do to show some love but I’ve got it on good authority — this works. Do the dishes, vacuum, throw out the trash, clean the inside of the car. Alleviating some of your loved one’s work will get you brownie points.

5 | Write a thank you letter

It doesn’t have to be a birthday or holiday to write your companion a letter telling them how awesome they are. For some, writing feelings down is a lot easier than speaking them. There’s also the plus side of being able to edit out things that don’t sound as eloquent on paper as they did in your head. Thank them for being a terrific parent, hard worker, supportive, genuine, understanding, compassionate, funny, lighthearted, beautiful, sweet. What makes her/him/them stand out? What exactly do you appreciate about them?

6 | Give extra attention

Lack of attention could be the sole origin of feeling undervalued. Don’t forget about your partner. When they’re talking, listen to what they’re saying. Put the phone down. It doesn’t take years to sit down and have one quality conversation with your lover, but if you consistently have quality chats, you could keep your lover for years.

What are some ways you show the special someone in your life you care?  Are there any unique ways that work every single time? Tell me your thoughts; post in the comments. Thanks for reading. Now, go show your partner why they are your most special someone.


about the author

Hi! I'm Trina. I graduated from U.C. Santa Cruz with a B.A. in Psychology (cum laude, but no one is keeping score, right?) I enjoy re-reading Harry Potter and extensively Googling new words. My aim in writing for this blog is to help couples overcome hurdles in their relationships.

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8 Ways to Make More Time with a Spouse

With all the responsibilities of modern life, it can be tough to find time to spend with your special someone. Often times, with two people's busy schedules, it can seem like there isn't enough time in the day or week to dedicate to "us time." But we also know that in order for a relationship to thrive, we need to have quality time with our partner. If you feel like you and your partner need to implement some new strategies to make time for one another read on:

 
 

1 | Solo to Duo

If you and your partner are struggling to make time for each other, try doing something you typically do solo with them. Some ideas could be working out together, cooking, or running errands. You’re going to eat at some point, right? Why not cook dinner and eat with each other?

2 | Put the kids to bed earlier one night a week

Not being a parent myself, I enlisted my brother-in-law’s advice on this one. I asked him how he and my sister guarantee extended time together when kids require so much time and energy. He said putting the kids down earlier ensures parents get at least a few minutes together without being interrupted by the children. It doesn’t have to be hours and hours earlier, but 10-15 minutes earlier gives you that much more time to spend with your partner and dedicate some of your attention to them for a bit.

Conversely, if you do not have children, still make it a point to engage with your significant other prior to falling asleep. Even participating in this behavior for 5 minutes a night gives you an extra half hour per week with your special someone.

3 | Have a no-phone night

This generation is always stuck with some piece of technology in front of our faces (I write as I type this up on my laptop with my phone 2 feet away). It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the phone that it can become another partner taking time away from your significant other. Ditch it for a night and see how much quality conversation can stem from the lack of devices.

4 | Surprise them with food

Food makes everything better. Try surprising your significant other with lunch one day at work (obviously if you have the means and the time). Hang out for a bit; talk. If you’re pressed for time you can drop it off with a quick hello but the gesture will still convey to them, “Hey, you were on my mind.”

5 | Plan a date night

And stick to it! There are always factors that can come up to deter you from focusing on quality time with the object of your affections; but do try ever so hard to have a night or a couple hours on a weekend afternoon to just be together. Leave everything else at home: the kids, work, any other distractions. Revel in each other’s company.

6 | Go on a walk

If money is an issue for stereotypical dates like dinner and a movie (forget about dropping $50 on popcorn, am I right?) Go on a walk. Walks have the rejuvenating effect of allowing you to simply share space, which forces you to spend time together, and it’s healthy. Look at you taking your mental, emotional, and physical health seriously. Go you! Ask them about their day and they can reciprocate engaged conversation.

7 | Take a trip down memory lane

Again, not a time-consuming venture but something that can remind you what you two were like at the onset of your relationship and how far you’ve come since then. What was your first impression of your partner? Did they prove you wrong or right? Offering your perspective could help bring you closer.

8 | Compromise on schedules

If you have a big work project coming up or an event that has been in the calendar for ages, plan a time before or after to say “Yes, this is on my plate right now but I haven’t forgotten about you.” And if you have yet to spend time with your partner recently and have an event coming up that your presence is that of less than dire importance...play hooky and spend time with your loved one instead!

I hope some of these tips prove useful to give you and your special someone extra time together. Remember that quality of time together is more important than the quantity – so even if it's an extra 15 minutes a day being truly present with one another, this could have a significant positive impact on your relationship. Now I'd love to here from you! How do you make it a priority to carve out time with your spouse? Please share in the comments below. Thanks and be well.


about the author

Hi! I'm Trina. I graduated from U.C. Santa Cruz with a B.A. in Psychology (cum laude, but no one is keeping score, right?) I enjoy re-reading Harry Potter and extensively Googling new words. My aim in writing for this blog is to help couples overcome hurdles in their relationships.

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How do I Know it's Time to Just Move on?

Not knowing whether to stay in a relationship or leave feels like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, you know that you're not quite satisfied with what is, so you don't feel like staying, yet the idea of leaving and losing that person you care for seems too way too hard, especially if you still have strong feelings for this person. I've worked with many individuals and couples and have seen people work through all kinds of issues. However, there are certain characteristics that make it clear to me that the best course of action would be to just move on:

 
 

1 | Your partner is not interested in growth

If you are interested in self-growth, self-help, reading, learning, seeking guidance and making yourself a generally better person and your partner isn't like that, it might be time to move on. When one member of a couple is constantly evolving and bettering themselves and the other is remaining stagnant, that is a recipe for an unbalanced relationship. It will be challenging to see eye to eye, and this discrepancy will only continue to expand as you develop further.

2 | Your partner is unwilling to talk about their feelings

As uncomfortable as it can be to talk about our emotions, it is absolutely necessary for a relationship to thrive. If your partner is unwilling to explore emotional territory, this doesn't bode well for the relationship. We need to be able to be vulnerable enough to share our emotional experience with our partner and we need that back from them too in order to feel deeply connected to that person. If your partner has difficulty with this, but is working on it, great! However, if your partner doesn't see the value in expressing emotion or refuses to grow in this area, it might be time to walk away.

3 | You don't trust your partner

It's normal to have trust issues! Many people carry around the weight of previous betrayals if they haven't adequately processed through the hurt and consciously let go of those experiences. Lingering trust issues can inadvertently create tension within your relationship -- manifesting as jealousy, controlling behavior, doubting your partner's motives, etc. If you're willing to take responsibility for your inability to trust and work on it, that's wonderful. But if your partner has acted (or continues to act) in ways that reasonably diminish your trust in them and that despite your best efforts you still don't trust them, then it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.

4 | You feel worse around your partner

Intimate relationships are satisfying and fulfilling when spending time with and talking over the phone to our partner uplifts our mood and inspires us. This may seem obvious, but when with your partner, for the most part, you should feel better, not worse! If your partner is constantly complaining and focusing on the negative, then start to ask yourself, "what is this person contributing to my life?" If someone is bringing in more negativity than positivity, it might be time to consider a break-up.

5 | Your partner is abusive

Don't skip over this step! You might be thinking "oh no, that can't apply to me." But I was in an abusive relationship for almost 5 years without knowing it was abuse. Please read my Intimate Partner Violence Series for more information on this.

I hope this article is helpful to you in exploring more deeply what you believe is best for you. As a therapist I never tell my clients what to do in a given situation. Instead, I educate them as much as I can and I help them connect to their own desires and intuition so they can make a decision from a place of clarity and authenticity. I wish you the best of luck! Leave a comment below if you have any questions or thoughts about this topic. I'd love to hear from you.


about the author

Hi! I'm Natalie. And I'm passionate about helping people create healthy relationships in their lives. Through couples counseling in Pasadena and here on the blog, it's my mission to help foster stronger connections, healthy communication and life-long love.

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