Navigating the World of Online Dating

Senior year of high school, some friends and I downloaded Tinder. What started out as a joke to help ease our senioritis turned out to be quite fascinating, for me at least. I got to know all different types of people and even went on a few dates. Over the past few years, more and more dating apps and websites have been developed: Bumble, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, Coffee Meets Bagel, Match, eHarmony. There are also more specific dating apps and websites such as Christian Mingle, JDate (for Jewish dating), and Farmers Only (featuring the funny slogan “City folks just don’t get it.”) While I wouldn’t consider myself a professional online dater (maybe semi-pro) I do have some tips to help make the whole process less stressful and more enjoyable:

 
 

1 | Show your true self in your profile and your conversations!

It’s always a good idea to use pictures where you truly look like yourself. No need for Photoshop or Facetune; you’re gorgeous just the way you are! The same is true for your bio. Dating apps and websites usually have a section where you can write about yourself and your interests. You can really go into detail here and you’re more likely to get messages this way, versus having an empty bio. Lastly, show your true self in your conversations. See if you and your match have things in common!

2 | Ask unique and interesting questions

It’s nice to get a message saying “What’s up?” or “How are you?” But what if you got a message saying “What’s a movie that changed your life?” or “What’s a song that’s always stuck in your head?” You might be more likely to respond to the latter questions! Unique and interesting questions are a great way to break the ice and get to know the other person.

3 | Make sure you both want the same things

People use dating apps and websites for many different reasons: casual dating, serious relationships, friendships, or maybe they’re just in town for the night. Whatever the reason is, make sure you’re both on the same page. Miscommunication can lead to sticky situations (that rhymed!) Say, for instance, you’re a college student talking to a guy in his late 20s. Perhaps he’s looking to settle down and get married but you’re not ready for that at this age. It’s important to have these kinds of discussions to avoid the hurt and confusion later on.

4 | Do your research and trust your instincts

Maybe I’ve watched too much “Catfish”, but I always think it’s a good idea to Google your matches, especially if it’s someone you plan on meeting in person. If you’re serious about the person and want to know more about them, you can ask if they want to exchange social media accounts. If they don’t want you to follow them, they may be hiding something, such as a girlfriend, boyfriend, or their real identity. Trust your instincts and if something seems off, you might be right.

5 | Don’t worry if you don’t click in real life

Sometimes you really connect with someone via chatting or texting, but in real life, the spark just isn’t there. Chemistry is complicated and it can’t be forced. Maybe your online conversations were hilarious and exciting, but now you’re sitting across from each other in awkward silence. Don’t worry! It happens to all of us. Just be honest and upfront with the person; nobody likes to be ghosted.

6 | Remember there are plenty of fish in the sea (37.2 million to be exact)

So I did a little math with the help of the internet. According to Pew Research Center, 15 percent of adults in America use, or have used, dating apps/websites. There are roughly 248 million adults in America so 15 percent would be about 37.2 million people! That’s an incredible number and can really make you feel hopeful about love. One bad date doesn’t mean all future dates will be bad. It’s all about trial and error. I like to think of it as an audition process where you’re both auditioning for each other. It may not always work out… but the audition process can still be enjoyable!

I hope you found this list of tips helpful. Do you have any tips for online daters that weren’t listed above? What dating app or website is your favorite? Do you know of any success stories? I’d love to hear from you in the comments!


about the author

Hi, I'm Lucy! A psychology student at Virginia Commonwealth University. Upon graduation, I plan to pursue child and adolescent therapy. When I'm not chugging coffee and studying, I love to sing, write music, bake, watch reality TV, and hang out with my dog.

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5 Ways to Support Someone Who's Depressed

We’ve all been affected by depression in one way or another. Even if you haven’t experienced depression yourself, you’ve witnessed a loved one go through it, which is often just as difficult. You may find yourself in a situation where you want to help but you’re not sure what to say or do. I hope this list serves as a helpful guide. Here is a list of 5 do’s and don’ts when someone you love is depressed:

 
 

1 | Do check up on them

Depression often leads to isolation. Don’t take it personally if your loved one doesn’t want to go out with you on a Friday night. Chances are, they just don’t have the energy! Offer to bring over their favorite food and have a Netflix night. Socializing, even in small doses, can really help someone get out of a depressive state. If they really don’t want to socialize, offer to talk on the phone or FaceTime. Maybe they just need to vent.

2 | Don’t forget to take care of yourself

As an empath, I sometimes find myself emotionally drained after talking to a depressed friend for hours. It can be easy to absorb their energy and become depressed yourself. Now you’ve got 2 depressed people! There’s nothing wrong with wanting to take care of a loved one, but you can’t neglect your own needs. That means getting enough sleep, eating well, focusing on school or work…the basic things. It also means knowing when to take a break and have some alone time. It can be hard to walk away from a depressed loved one but just reassure them that you’ll be back soon.

3 | Do give them time

Everybody heals at their own pace. Maybe you’ve been through a depressive episode that lasted 3 days but your loved one has been depressed for 3 weeks, or vice versa. It’s important to be patient when a loved one is depressed. Nobody would choose to be depressed for a long period of time, but sometimes that’s just the way it works out. Remind your loved one that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

4 | Don’t downplay their pain

If you saw someone with a physical injury, you probably wouldn’t doubt that they’re in pain. So why do we doubt the pain of depressed people? All throughout history, and all over the world, physical illnesses have been considered more serious than mental illnesses. However, if you asked someone with a mental illness “Is it painful?”, they would probably answer yes. Mental illness is simply painful in a different way. So when talking to a loved one with depression, avoid statements that downplay or minimize their pain. Just a few examples to avoid: “It’s all in your head!” “You have nothing to be sad about!” “Happiness is a choice!” Instead, you can say things like “Stay strong” and “I’m here for you.”

5 | Do ask them what they need

We all have different wants and needs. We all have things that help us feel better. One of the kindest things you can ask a depressed loved one is “What can I do to help?” They might say “Could you throw my clothes in the washer?” or “Would you mind washing my dishes?” Simple tasks like laundry or dishes can seem daunting when someone is in a state of depression. They might have very low energy and feel more depressed every time they look at that pile of clothes or dirty dishes in the sink. Helping out with these simple tasks will make them feel loved and less stressed. And who knows? Maybe all they need is a cup of tea.

I hope these do's and don'ts help you in your interactions with a loved one who lives with depression. They are lucky to have you in their life! Now I'd love to hear from you! What strategies have helped in supporting a depressed friend, partner or family member? What totally backfired? Please share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section below. Thanks for reading and be well!


about the author

Hi, I'm Lucy! A psychology student at Virginia Commonwealth University. Upon graduation, I plan to pursue child and adolescent therapy. When I'm not chugging coffee and studying, I love to sing, write music, bake, watch reality TV, and hang out with my dog.

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Strategies for Strengthening Your Bond

When things are going smoothly in our relationships, it's easy to feel connected to our partner. We naturally want to spend more time with them and engage in enjoyable activities. But when times get tough and the road is bumpy, it can be more challenging to find ways to connect. Think of your relationship bond like a muscle – if you want to strengthen it, it takes consistency and practice. Here are some tips for you and your partner to implement if you feel like your relationship needs some extra TLC:

 
 

1 | Set aside “us” time

If you live with your partner, it may seem unnecessary to schedule “us” time, since you may see that person a lot. But remember, quantity of time does not make up for quality of time. Set aside some time that is without distraction (i.e. no phones, laptop, T.V. or books) just for the two of you to be together. This time could be used for simple talking with one another, giving each other a back rub or cuddling and connecting.

2 | Mix it up!

Sure, a dinner and a movie is always a great staple for a date night. But the same ol’ same ol’ can get stale as old bread. Mix it up with something fun and new! If you want some new ideas for creative date outings, browse Groupon and Goldstar to see what strikes your fancy. The bonus is these sites also offer steep discounts for fun activities. Like live theater? TodayTix is a website and app for discounted last-minute tickets to plays. Love museums? Here’s a list of museums in Los Angeles that are either free or have free days.

3 | Make it sensual

Usually when couples are feeling disconnected, the first thing to go is the romance and affection. And when that’s not there, it’s really tough to employ the “fake it till you make it” approach to dealing with challenges. Instead, wake up the senses on a daily basis to start feeling more sensual and more interested in shared connection with your partner. How does one do this? Begin noticing throughout the day what naturally feels good (for example, walking through a park on your lunch break and feeling the leaves of a tree brush up against your arm) and share that with your partner. Have them do the same so you both know what’s pleasing to the other person. This will inspire you guys to want to create more physical pleasure for one another.

4 | Use the atmosphere

We’re going for the power of association here – think of how a spa atmosphere automatically makes you feel more relaxed, even before you’ve begun to receive your treatment. Simply walking into the spa and hearing the gentle music and noticing the pleasant smells invites you to feel calmer. We can do the same at home. Create an environment at home that’s more stimulating to the senses through lighting candles, putting salts in the bath, spraying aromatherapy, playing soothing music etc. When you intentionally make your surroundings more amenable to romance, you’re more likely to want to connect with your partner.

5 | Get inspired

It helps to get some outside inspiration when we’re not feeling so great about our relationship and need some new tools and ideas to work with. Here’s a list of 10 books that are great for learning about the dynamics of relationships and how to strengthen them. Don’t have time to read a whole book? Use Audible to listen in the car or choose a podcast instead. You can check out this round-up of 10 relationship podcasts you can sink your teeth into.

6 | Reflect on the good times

When we’re in the throes of conflict with our partner or seriously doubting our relationship, it’s easy to forget all the amazing memories we’ve shared with that person. Simply pulling out photo boxes, leafing through scrapbooks or looking at Google photos can remind you both of the fun times you’ve had together. If you and your partner are in need of some serious bonding time, set aside an afternoon or evening to sit together and look through old photos from vacations, dates and other occasions. The act of looking at these pictures will bring up stories, jokes and anecdotes that will surely bring you closer.

7 | Pull out all the stops

By now, you can probably tell that date night is a good idea. But don’t stop at that! Pull out all the stops. Spend some time getting ready and dolled up for each other. Buy flowers. Go to a restaurant you can’t really afford to go to. Get a couples massage. Your relationship is an investment and it’s worth the splurge every now and then! You’ll send a strong message to one another that the relationship is worth it. Most importantly, enjoy the royal treatment.

8 | Be spontaneous

It’s great to have plans, but sometimes plans don’t work out for one reason or another or sometimes something more exciting comes up. In your bonding time together, allow yourselves to divert from original plans and go with the flow. This will allow you guys to reconnect to a younger, more spontaneous side of one another. Often as we get older, we become more set in our ways and less able to let the night take us to unexpected places. If it’s a gorgeous night and you get the idea to take a drive up Mulholland for a gorgeous view or a drive up the coast to smell the salty sea air…do it!

9 | Have limits

Are there certain topics that inevitably spiral into arguments or stress? Take a vacation from those themes for a night or weekend to simply enjoy one another. No, this doesn’t mean putting off dealing with your problems forever. It means that it’s okay to set limits on what you won’t talk about for your bonding time together. If something gets brought up, and you don’t want to forget to address it later, simply write a short note in your phone about it and table it for another time.

10 | Hire a babysitter

If you have kids, and if you don’t have a babysitter yet, you need one! This is essential. I’ve known many couples who rely on their parents, neighbors or friends to watch their kids and this is not enough. You need and deserve to have professional childcare that is available to you on a regular basis so that you can go out on dates without the guilt associated with asking for a favor and without relying on other people’s availability. If you don’t know a sitter, there are great nanny websites such as Urban Sitter and Care.com.

Now I'd love to hear from you! How do you reconnect with your partner in times of conflict or emotional distance? Every couple is different and a strategy that works great for one pair may not fare well for another. That's why I'd love to get some varying opinions on what works and what doesn't work for couples who've hit a rough patch. Please share in the comments below. Thanks for reading and be well.


about the author

Hi! I'm Natalie. And I'm passionate about helping people create healthy relationships in their lives. Through couples counseling in Pasadena and here on the blog, it's my mission to help foster stronger connections, healthy communication and life-long love.

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